Long time, no peep, homie! How’s the old bowl of jelly treatin’ ya?! Squishy and filled with cookies, I hope.
My, my it sure has been a while since I wrote you a letter. Do you miss my color coded Toys R Us Christmas list days? I certainly do. I remember cross-referencing my wish list by price, department and genre of play. I thought it would make it easier for you to find what I wanted and get it to me faster. Oh! And remember Christmas Eve-Eve?! Because I was just too eager to wait until legit Christmas Eve. Good times, my friend!
I guess you could say I fell out of love with the whole Christmas thing back in 2005 when my cat, Pepper, knocked down the tree while I was at work. She destroyed all the ornaments my family had made over the years. The crochet angel lost her form. The bell lost its dinger. There was glass all over the place, smashed into the carpet. Really, that cat hated me.
For the next few years my Christmas lists got really long because the focus shifted from what I’d been coveting all year to what I wanted to give to my friends, family and coworkers. That’s when Christmas got really depressing. I would make these careful lists. Check them over. Make sublists. Whatever needed to be done. But, sadly, I could never cross everything off. I could never put a check in every box. I knew I’d never be able to afford to give all I wanted to and that sucks. And just like that the glitter fell out of the sky, the magic up and went and Christmas became a wasted day off.
So this year, Santa baby, I’m writing to you just for me because, c’mon, I’ve been good. So good! And I want presents, Santa! I want perfect bows. I want wrapping paper (that doesn’t make me think of fallen trees). I want shiny new toys like a 15″ Macbook Pro with all the fixin’s, a Nikon DSLR camera and a big flat screen tv. I want a tattoo of a tree for my ankle and a Blackberry for my ear. I want a fancy gym membership with a sexy personal trainer and sexy gym clothes to match. I want my piano tuned and re-keyed and a new weighted keyboard, stand and travel case for shows. I want a bicycle with the curvy handles the way I like and a helmet that doesn’t mess up my hair. I want a Dremmel and a workshop so I can build stuff. And a business license so I can sell that stuff. And canvas. And brushes. And paint. I want all the colors! I could use a new dress and some heels and a pretty bracelet, too. The bracelet would look like ivy and totally match my new tattoo. Oh and I’d just love to get a massage and facial and a pedicure and a manicure (because its silly to get a pedicure without a manicure, right?) and some gift cards to the kind of stores that serve champagne while you shop.
I don’t have a chimney, but you can leave everything on the doorstep. Better yet, text me when you hit Fremont and I’ll come outside and help you unload everything. K.Thx.Bai!